Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
