New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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