Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
