Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Do you remember whose house we're in?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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