onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
