Umm I'm too high to move.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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