i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
