i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
