Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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