Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
last night I used snow as a chaser
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
