the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
