In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
one might say we're banned from that church
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
