He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
