U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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