I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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