i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
