you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
