I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am one with the molecules
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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