dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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