we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize