Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
