First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
