I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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