I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
