Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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