So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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