I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
