I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
