I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize