why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
