I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
