either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
