guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
