Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize