I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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