I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
