Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
