the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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