I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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