my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize