I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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