I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
