I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
