I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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