My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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