we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My vagina just recognized that song.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
