just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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