So drunk its hurt
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
