nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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