i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
