bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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