Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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