Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
