I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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