Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
