I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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