I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
