Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
