Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
