Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize