My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
