yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
