i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
