I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
